How old is old enough for a child to lose a parent?
Aristotle is reported to have said: “give me the child until he is 7 and I will show you the man”. Perhaps then as long as our children have us until they are 7 we can die in the comfort of knowing that we have had a formative and lasting impact on their identity
Last Sunday my eldest child, Henry, turned 7. About a month ago I lay in bed trying to sleep thinking about what to get him and where to have his party for his birthday. Suddenly I felt a moment of terror in my heart as I thought to myself: Henry is the age that my sister was when Mum died. I quickly realised that I was wrong, and that she was actually 8 when Mum died and the relief that washed over me was ridiculous! For some ludicrous reason the idea that she was a whole year older than Henry, and that this was somehow better calmed my panic. Both 7, and 8 are much too young to lose a parent, but the distinction made me feel better for Henry, and better about my younger sister; she’d had a whole year more with Mum.
As Henry approaches the age that my siblings were when Mum died I look at them and feel more love for them and pride in them than I ever have; they were so young and it was so unfair! I am so proud of the beautiful young adults that they have each become. I also have a greater insight into what Mum must have felt in her final year knowing that she was going to leave them. They must have seemed like babies to her, and her heart must have been breaking.
So, do I agree with Aristotle then? Do I think their values, personalities, and temperaments were all formed by the time they were 7 when they were blissfully unaware that their mother would die? Yes, I do. They are each kind, caring, and generous people. I see more of my two youngest brothers than any of my other siblings (they live the closest to us), and they are such a happy and precious addition to our family. They cuddle and read to the kids, listen with empathy and really connect in conversation, and selflessly lend a hand whenever we need. I dare say that any of our extended family would agree that they all have many traits in both character, and mannerism that are like Mum.
In addition to leaving an indelible mark on our children through parenting I also believe in and am excited by the idea of inherited behavioural epigenetics. In the nature v nurture debate, I say that it is both! Or, as some put it: nurture is shaping nature.
In very simple terms, epigenetics is the term used to describe inheritance by mechanisms other than through the DNA sequence of genes. ... It works through chemical tags added to chromosomes that in effect switch genes on or off.
The ongoing study of this area of science is explaining how our environment and life experiences are impacting our DNA in our own lives, and also into future generations.
Some of the early studies on epigenetics suggest that trauma in past ancestors can trigger DNA changes that show up in future generations despite not having the lived experience of that trauma. For instance, if your grandparent was neglected as a baby this may create a greater predisposition for depression in future generations. You may have heard of some of the studies done that showed that ancestors of the holocaust survivors shared some genetic markers and were more prone to PTSD.
This area of science also says that we can inherit good characteristics, such that of resilience, and I love this idea!
Therefore, when a child born into a loving and nurturing environment this will have an impact on future generations too. When we understand this, we can see how important it is that we use the valuable time that we have with our children to parent them purposefully. Not only because tomorrow isn’t promised to anyone, but because it is leaving an impact on their genetic makeup: turning on and off genes in a way that makes the impact of our actions or inactions a legacy that will outlive us in a biological sense.
In a previous blog I talked about the tendency to “dress rehearse tragedy”. The idea being that as a community we use this as an excuse not to think about and plan for death. Hopefully this idea that we have an opportunity through both nature and nurture to have a lasting impact on our children’s lives should bring further comfort that we should fear death less then we should a life wasted and devoid of true joy and connection with those we love.
If you’d like to learn more about these ideas, as well as other things that inspire me to practise Whole Hearted Living (in the Brene Brown definition) I invite you to join my new facebook group here: https://www.facebook.com/groups/HeadandHeartLiving/
And to my beautiful Henry, I am looking forward to another year of loving you enough so that if I no longer can, it will have been enough.