My take on "get to" vs "have to"
I have always kept at the forefront of my mind how lucky I have been to become a mother to my children. I may be wearing rose coloured glasses, but in my mind I believe that I have always tried to speak positively about being pregnant, and having young babies and children. Even in the midst of my discomfort in pregnancy and sleep deprivation, and physical exhaustion as a mother to a new baby (the covering photo is of me with my first newborn, tired but content), apart from those closest to my I made an effort not to complain.
The reasons for these efforts have been community, internally, and family focused.
For others
I am always aware that you never know what difficulty or loss someone whom you are speaking to may have suffered themselves, or supported someone else through. Your complaint may be so insignificant to their own invisible pain, and I worry may exacerbate it. Especially when you are complaining about the very kind of problems that they may be longing to have. I think complaining is tacky, and not very stimulating or inclusive conversation. That said, if venting helps you to feel connected, supported, and helps you to cope, then go ahead! It just doesn’t do those things for me, which leads me to my next reason.
For me
I know that the language that I use day to day informs the thoughts and feelings that I have, and so ultimately shapes the reality of my experience. Talking about all the things that I am finding difficult, or complaining can really feed my self-pity monster. So, my personal choice is that as much as I can remind myself to, I talk positively about my experiences.
For my children
The last reason is that I think that our children understand language, intonation, and expression long before we realise that they do, or long before we realise that what we say around them matters. And now that I am parenting three children ages (almost) 7 and under, there is no pretending that the kids aren’t watching and absorbing how I interact with the wider world, and how I portray my experience of being their mother. Therefore, as a family we try and reframe the language that we use about ourselves, our busy schedule, and our experiences in the world. And there are no shortages of opportunity in this busy and modern world to practise this approach!
A couple of weeks ago I had to take all three children to the GP and the person before us was in their appointment for more than an hour. The GP was a lovely older woman who apologised to us, saying that the person ahead should have booked a long consultation. My son Henry was especially exasperated by the long wait. Instead of accepting the apology I chose to reframe it positively, telling her that an apology wasn’t necessary as we are all always just doing our best and acknowledging that it was out of her control. And to Henry I said: “aren’t we lucky that we only have something small to visit the doctor about, imagine how sick you must be to have to talk to the doctor for more than an hour. I bet that poor man wishes he only needed a 10 minute appointment too”. I certainly wasn’t thinking that whilst we were waiting, or at 6.45pm when I got home with three kids to start dinner, but saying it mattered even if I didn’t feel it.
Swap I “have to” with I “get to”
Another great and easy way to start this reframing in your own home is to swap I “have to” with I “get to”. I get to go grocery shopping, I get to take the kids to swimming lessons, I get to put the kids to bed.
I really hope that by choosing to market, and frame my Wills and Estate Planning services in a non-traditional model that I will attract clients who view Estate Planning as a wonderful opportunity, privilege, and investment in the security of their family and their own impact on their children’s lives!
One of my happy achievements in my work is when a family books in with the evident view that Estate Planning is something onerous and difficult that they “have to” do. But by the end of our work have realised what a wonderful opportunity it is to reflect on the family that they have built together, the values that they live out with conviction, and without fuss, and how much worse off they all would have been in the face of death if this planning had not been done.
Having children is a privilege, and with privilege comes responsibility. Your children are listening, and absorbing how you view the effort, cost, and sacrifice that parenting takes. We can either make our children feel like they are a liability, and that childhood is a period to be endured by parents. Or, we can view our time raising them as an investment into the asset that children truly are for both our individual families and our wider community.
Show the shift: "I get to do an Estate Plan”!
If you’re willing to show your shift in thought, book in for a call or request a quote to begin the process of Estate Planning with me.